Somewhere along the years the oddest thing happened. I lost sight of myself.
My whole life I've been wildly independent, rebellious, and contentious with authority.
It's weird being rebellious and independent but hyper conscious of what everyone else sees you doing. It's a contradiction honestly. And I have been living that contradiction for a decade or two.
It's the strangest thing simultaneously not caring what people think but also being very concerned with whether people are watching your or not. It's a weird "I don't care" but "I don't want people noticing me".
Not sure there's an answer or insight here really. It's just the reality of me that I'm finally processing. But that is what creates they light at the end of the tunnel that is hope. Knowing something is wrong allows you to face it and fix it!