So how did I get here? Well I am sure you want the short version.
Over a decade ago I went through a family crisis and divorce. It was that period where I was losing everything I truly cared about, which was different than what I thought I cared about, that brought me to my knees. It was that time that finally broke my arrogance, my pride, my sense of being in control of my universe. It was then that I looked up to the sky and said "Yeah, I know you've been there the whole time...". I finally accepted that God and Jesus were real, and I had known it all my life despite being raised without God.
So there is where my journey began. The broken pot of clay on the ground. Shattered. Relearning how to exist in the universe when you're not the most powerful life form... can take a long time, years... And I'm no exception to that process.
Back to today...
It was only recently that I realized I had unintentionally switched my trust from myself to others, instead of God.
Now don't get me wrong, I've been trusting God this whole time. But I discovered an area I hadn't. After my divorce finalized I felt that God didn't answer my prayers, so I stopped trusting Him. And from there I started putting my trust in others, my support system. This was both good and bad.
- It was good because I needed support and couldn't do this on my own.
- It was bad because I cut God out of the situation.
So now today as I am getting healthier and seeking God more intimately something happened. I began trusting God in this area, above everyone else. Above the good voices in my life. Because why would I trust them over what God is showing me, guiding me towards? Now I am standing boldly on what I believe God is speaking to me regardless. And I am not ashamed to say those things to others.
No longer am I seeking confirmation from others in my social circles for what I should do in this area. Or what this or that means. I know what God is showing me and why. I trust Him now.
It's honestly a foreign experience to me despite having trusted God with so much already in my life over the last decade. But this area of my life, it's very foreign to me because I haven't trusted Him in this area before. And He said "No" to my prayers in this area in the past.
God didn't do anything wrong by saying "No". But my sense of trust in Him was still broken. Not because of Him, but solely because of my brokenness. You see things can happen and hurt, even if you don't intend them to, even if you didn't do anything wrong. Because the other person is in different place. Perhaps they are broken, dysfunctional, toxic even. Or perhaps they just perceive the world differently because of the way the world has treated them in the past.
So how did all that change my life?
Well immediately after I stopped putting people's interpretations and opinions over Gods, God has shown up in my life in new and amazing ways. I am bold, confident, peaceful suddenly. As though I am walking right next to Him, instead of chasing Him and hoping I'll be able to catch up to Him. No longer am I seeking the approval or confirmations of those around me while I try to "catch up to The Lord". Instead I am doing what He calls me to, with His help.
I welcome the counsel of many. But I follow His lead first, trust His lead first, seek His opinion first.
And my life has forever been changed by this decision. It's a brand new world out there for me. It's very exciting!