Since I first reached out my hand to the Lord to accept him I have had a question that rattled around over and over.
"How did Moses love the Lord more than his wife?"
Now Moses wasn't out of line. But he loved the Lord more than his wife. What does that look like on the inside of man? How does that feel even? How does that work!?
This has literally been rattling and rumbling around in my head forever. And I prayed shortly after realizing the question that the Lord show me, explain to me, how that works.
This week he answered that prayer. So like over a decade later, haha.
How do you love the Lord more than your spouse?
It all comes down to a feeling, not a thought. It's not an action. It's the feeling beneath everything else.
For simplicity sake imagine the Lord standing to your right, and your spouse standing to your left. Which one do you run to first? Which one pulls your heart the most? Which one does your heart feel, connect with, desire, draw you towards more than the other?
This might be tough to here for a lot of people. But you know you love the Lord more than your spouse when you choose to run towards him, instead of your spouse, when given the choice.
Perhaps you might think that is unloving. But it's not. It's actually healthy. Very healthy. Because whichever pulls you the most is your God. And if it's the love of your life, that means they are your God... your idol.
Perhaps try this way.
Which could you live without? The Lord or your spouse? If you have to choose.
That one will get ya quickly! If you had to choose between living the rest of your life with the Lord, or with your spouse, what would you choose? Which would you give up?
It hurts, genuinely, to consider these things and face the reality of your feelings that would drive your choices. It hurts, bad. But that hurt is a good thing. It reveals the truth when you might have been hiding it even from yourself.
This week I finally came to that place. Where I seek Him, over my relationships or potential partners. My focus is on the horizon, which is where the Lord is to me. And whomever would like to join me on my walk for His purposes, great! I will be very very happy to have her alongside me!
But I am not stopping again. I am not waiting for anyone. I will not put God on hold for anyone ever again.
You might thing that's lofty talk! But the reality is, it's not what I think or want. It's how I feel. I feel the call of the Lords purpose inside me, pulling me like a magnet to get stuff done for Him. My hearts eyes are on him now. And if my partner joins me, I will see her too alongside me. But my gaze will continue to be on the horizon, the hope, the work to be done for Him.
My purpose is not my relationship. My relationship is just a part, an amazingly wonderful part, of my life's purpose.