Recently I've been trying to recapture my own personality after burying it for decades. Often times when life goes sideways a person will sacrifice or hide parts of themselves in order to protect themselves, defend themselves, or just because it's the part of them that got wounded.
As my life spiraled further and further out of control due to a video game addiction, immaturity, toxic relationship, and family issues my creative and energetic side was sacrificed on the altar. I emerged from the pit as a serious, calm(ish), low energy man. Which is definitely one aspect of me. But it's not the whole me.
I realized this week that my biggest strength had been caged. My passion. You see I am a fiery and passionate person. I don't give up on things and people I care about. So much so that multiple people have commented on it.
"You don't give up on anyone, do you Keith?"
It's true. I don't give up on the people I care about. And I don't give up on causes and beliefs that are important to me.
Now as I am becoming free of some decades long baggage I realized my passionate side was emerging and it was being reborn like a phoenix. I also realized that it was swinging fully to the opposite end of the spectrum I had been.
I had been caged, now it was emerging and threatening to irrationally consume me. Which would be equally unhealthy. That's the road that leads to losing jobs because you chase your passion beyond your provision.
So I am tempering it. So that I don't actually fall out of balance. I cannot afford to let it rule me, else it destroy all the hard work I have achieved in the last years.
I need it. I welcome it. I want it. But it cannot rule me either.
There are more areas in me that are out of balance. Either dormant or the opposite, ruling over me with impulsivity and immaturity. I am not a child anymore. I cannot let my passion sit in the drivers seat. But I can also not let it get locked in the trunk.
So now I need to do some reflection.
Where am I out of balance? Where my passivity is taking me down the road of destruction?
Where am I out of balance? Where are my impulses ruling my life, taking me down roads I know I should not go but cannot stop myself from going?
We all have these things within us. Time passes and we flop like a tumbleweed through life sometimes.
I can honestly say
The more I feel I am in control of my life, the more out of control it actually is.
Control is an illusion that gaslights you into believing that the road you are on that feels happy, is not the road to death.