I figured it would be a good time to give an update to follow-up on One Of The Scariest Prayers back on 7-Jul-2021.
My prayer was this:
Lord, I need this to change. I don't know how else to get there. But I need change, and I need it now. So Lord do whatever it is you have to do. I need the change now, I need it fast, I need it immediately. I don't care how much it hurts, I don't care how hard it is to get through. I trust you won't give me more than I can bare. So hit me with it Lord. Hit me with it hard, and fast. Do what you need to do. Hit me, I can take it.
Now to today. If you are hoping to hear a story of me prancing through sunshine and roses with a carefree heart... yeah no, big fat nope for you.
If you were hoping that whatever struggle I was in the midst of has been resolved, answered, ended... yeah no, another big fat nope for you.
So then you might ask, well then what good did that prayer do?!
I'll get to that in a minute.
What did happen though has been the most interesting and confounding thing in my life. You see for the last month every single day has felt like an entire month of time on my life. And I am not being dramatic or exaggerating here. Time has effectively slowed down for me.
Every. Single. Day. Since that prayer has felt like an entire month.
Every. Single. Day.
You see The Lord was faithful and answered my prayer. And one of the aspects of his answer was to slow down my brain (or rather speed up, depending on your perspective) such that I could process multiple things in a very short span of time.
I'd like to say that this process has been joyous! Tackling multiple deep emotional, dysfunctional, or toxic problems I had. And then straightening out heartache after heartache as well!
While it's been life changing and amazing. It's been beyond painful, emotionally.
Imagine squeezing all the life lessons, emotional changes, growth and maturity of the last 30 years of your life... now instead of having 30 years to work through those things, now instead do it in 30 days. Yeah... yeah......
So what good did it do?
I got the next 30 years of healing, growth, maturing and faith done in 30 days. Think about that for a minute. I got through it, it's done. And I got through it in a month, not 3 decades. The life change, the change in my life's trajectory is beyond enormous! I am so much healthier, calmer, and free of codependence. I am free to live, free to love, free to laugh, free to be me again. Finally.
Now 2 things can be true at the same time:
It was absolutely worth it!
It was hell to go through!
Normally I would end it on that last line. But I felt it might be good to finish this post differently. The two things I said just above are 100% true. I mean them both genuinely, not dramatically. It was worth it, beyond doubt. It was also an actual nightmare to pass through. Do with those words what you will from here.